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That One Time I Scared a Solicitor With My Pants

I am an actual savant when it comes to dealing with solicitors. Truly.

First of all, I worked in car sales for a few years so I am suuuper familiar with every single pitch tactic you can think of.

Second, I get really creative with No Soliciting signs. Pretty much everyone either prints one off of their computer to tape to their screen door during soliciting season (which lasts from March to October here in the great state of Utah) or buys one of those classy ones at the store. NOT AT MY HOUSE.

I make my own. They're uber professional looking, usually written in crayola marker. One said something along the lines of:

If you're selling pest control, I have a guy.
Solar? My father in law works for the power company. 
Steak? I'm tempted. Kind of, but not really, because food poisoning.
Security systems? I've got two dogs and a husband who's bigger than you.
No Soliciting.

When that one didn't work, I made another. This one was actually incredibly effective. It was a line graph. On the Y Axis, it measured my personal excitement at answering the door. On the X, the person answering the door ranging from solicitor to Chuck Norris, the man himself. If you happen to be Chuck Norris, I'm happy. Very, very happy. If you're a solicitor, I'm already mad.

One day, I happened to have just spent an actual hour boobing my oldest to sleep. He was about 6 months old, and just getting him to sleep took alll kinds of time and then some incredibly special ninja skills to sneak out of the room. Suffice it to say that I had just gotten him to close his eyes and was getting ready MacGyver my way off the bed. THEN IT HAPPENED.

The doorbell rang. The doorbell ring itself wasn't the bummer though. It was the two black lab mixes I had that emerged from their lounge areas of choice and tore through the house announcing that Armageddon had, in fact, begun but never fear because they were prepared to rip to shreds the threat that dared cross our threshold. This, of course, jolted the baby awake who immediately began screaming. Before even hopping off the bed, I knew in my soul that it was a solicitor who didn't think I was actually serious about only ever wanting to answer the door for Chuck. 

Well, I tell you what. I stormed down the stores, screaming at the dogs to be quiet. That was super effective obviously, because I had to slide over 100 lbs in snarling dog flesh out of the way to open the front door. A 20-something kid who had spent way more time shining his sneakers and doing his hair than I had that morning was laughing - LAUGHING - on my porch while he looked at me.

That was it.

I opened the screen door and let myself out. "Yeah, hi. So I can see on your clipboard that you'd really like to sign me up for something."

"Ha, yeah. I'm here for ___ Solar. We've got a super cool promotion running right now and with the rebates - "

I cut the kid off. "Yeah, no. Did you see the sign?"

"Of course. I thought it was really funny, actually."

My voice crept up in volume with each syllable. "Are you kidding me right now? It's not a joke. I meant it. And by ignoring it, you just woke the baby I spent an HOUR putting to sleep. My dogs here would like to eat you and I've half tempted to let them. Oh - and me? I am one hundred percent pissed off. Get off my porch."

The kid was still laughing. I realized at this point what was going on. My pants were not only unbuttoned but also unzipped. And even worse, probably, was that I completely forgot to strap my left boob right back into place and it was super apparent that I had just been nursing a baby. All of this combined with my hair, frizzed out from side-laying nursing, had yours truly looking like a real hot mess. And by hot, I don't mean the good kind.

I looked down. As the kid, still cackling by the way, was slowly walking down my driveway, all I could think was to yell, "Yeah, that girlfriend of yours with the snapback who looks real good in the short shorts right now? THIS IS YOUR FUTURE."

Just kidding. I didn't say that. He'll figure it out on his own.
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